Not Being Afraid of What We Want

Not Being Afraid of What We Want

The Union Path Podcast

"Not Being Afraid of What We Want"


Knowing what you want, really knowing what you want, knowing what you really want, is important, is vital. It's important to go through life with an aim, with a target, with a goal, with something you're working towards, something you're striving towards, something you're aspiring and aiming and endeavoring to be. This is really important because, speaking for myself anyway, the periods of my life where I felt the most lost, the most helpless, were the times that I let go of what I wanted, that I lost touch with what I want of, where I just knuckled down and tried to make whatever was happening to be happening what I wanted, tried to pretend, tried to deny, tried to falsify my own desires, my own feelings about what I wanted and what I didn't. I tried to pretend, I tried to hide, I tried to make myself smaller. In hindsight, I tried to do all sorts of things to avoid what I actually wanted. Why I was doing this actually made perfect sense, because the idea of what I wanted was actually pretty painful, that I just come through some really dark times and I just wanted to just stop. I just wanted to heal. All I could think about were negative things, not negative from an outlook perspective, but negative as in removing things from my life, to negate things that I knew I didn't want. I just wanted relief, I just wanted healing. I just wanted to feel better because I had felt so bad for so long. The reasons, the motivations of why I was doing this made a lot of sense, but at the same time, this is no place to live.

It's difficult to thrive when all we're focused on is less. All we're focused on is healing. All we're focused on is re-sintering, because, of course, the purpose of healing, the purpose of re-sintering, the purpose of regaining a sense of wholeness on ourselves, is to be able to begin again, is to be able to go back out in the life and try again, go for something more, go for something different, start to really live again. It's important to go through life with aspirations. It's important to go through life with dreams. It's important to go through life with goals.

But one area that I think can get pretty easily overlooked is really paying attention to how we feel about our own dreams, how we feel about what we want, and it's especially important to be aware, if it happens to be, that what we want scares us. But if we really pay attention, if we really get aware of ourselves and really ponder what we really want. We're afraid, we're scared, there's something being stirred up that's kind of uncomfortable. And it's my opinion it's been my experience anyway that when this is true, this creates stagnation, this creates a life that doesn't really seem to go anywhere, a life that doesn't really seem to change. Just every day is just another day, and it's worse, it just kind of feels like a perpetual Wednesday where nothing really good happens but nothing really bad happens either. It's just day after day after day after day. That is just a generic experience, it's just a mundane way of being that seems to be on repeat, it seems to be playing out ad nauseam, over and over and over again.

And when I've come to find what I've come to believe, what I've come to know from going through these sorts of experiences, is that there's a fundamental truth buried in here. There's a fundamental truth that feels vital, yet it feels something that we just don't really talk about that much, we don't really pay a lot of attention to, we don't really give a lot of value to, and that is the idea of actually accepting what we want, actually wanting what we want, being comfortable with our own desires, our own dreams, our own vision for ourselves. Because, especially if we've gone through some sort of pain, especially if we've ride and failed, especially if we have some sort of negative association with doing the sorts of things that we really want to do, it can be really easy to try to deny these ideas. It can be really easy to try to deny these wants because they've hurt us before, we've been burned. But in my opinion, in order to live a whole life, in order to live a complete life, we have to live it wholeheartedly. We have to live it with our whole selves. And as long as we're going through life with a priority of protecting our heart, of keeping our heart closed, we'll never have the wholehearted, full experience that we really want.

But as long as we're afraid of what we want, we separate ourselves from the manifestation of it, we separate ourselves from the fruition of it, we separate ourselves from the experience of it. Because underneath everything this existence, this life, what runs through everything is free will, is choice. We always have choice. We always have free will, we always have agency over our own life and, yes, we may not choose the exact circumstances that happen to us, but we always choose a response. We always choose what we do next? We always choose what we do with that information, how we move forward, how we actually live, because life living is the next step forward. Life is progress, life is what's next.

Life is what is happening, and what is happening is based on our choices. We can choose to go left, we can choose to go right and have completely different experiences, but ultimately we're the ones who choose. We're the ones who always have free will, and so, as long as we're afraid of what we want, if we think about our ultimate vision, our ultimate ideal vision for our life, really let ourselves go, let ourselves dream what's the full ideal version of it, and then check in with ourselves, become aware of our insights. What does that feel like? Does that trigger fear? Do we feel our stomach turn? Does our heart feel heavy? Do we feel our throat collapse? What does this actually feel like? How comfortable are we really with what we really want?

This is a really important question, because our true desires, our true wants, our true dreams are a deep, fundamental part of us, speaking to us. This is the ideal version of us speaking to us, calling us forward, urging us on, inviting us in to the full life, the rich life, the complete life that we truly want to live, that we're truly here to live. But, of course, if fear is involved, if fear is making the choices, then we can very easily find ourselves choosing a direction away from what we actually want. Because no matter how clear our desires are, no matter how clear our vision and our dreams are, we can always choose not to go. We can always choose not to experience that, even when it happens that we've had a dream, perhaps our whole life, and then one day that dream comes true, we can always choose to not do it. We can always choose to not go, to not seize it, to not say yes, to not welcome it in. We always have that ability.

In my opinion, this realization is one of the most liberating realizations we can ever have that we ourselves are far more responsible, a far more agency, a far more control, a far more of a say in our life than we think we do. Our life unfolds out from us, and we're the ones who choose that expression. We're the ones who choose the direction of that flow of energy. We're the ones who choose how we express the life energy that's flowing through us. And so we also have a choice about how we feel about our own dreams, how we feel about our own desires, what we do with that information, how comfortable we are with ourselves on a fundamental level, how accepting and welcoming we are with ourselves and a core part of our fundamental, base level, core level expression are our dreams, are our desires, are what we really want truly deep down on the inside. But if a part of us is afraid, if a part of us is uncomfortable, then that's us blocking or at least delaying the delivery, the experience of whatever these things are, because free will cannot be overruled and, of course, things will happen to us we don't want. Hilarious things will happen to us that are utterly awful and terrible. But we always have a choice. We always choose what we do with that.

In my opinion, in my experience, if we find ourselves blocked by fear, if we find that we're actually afraid of what we want, then we will experience more negative things than positive, because we ourselves are attuned to this fear. We ourselves are doing this fear's bidding, we're letting this fear find its way to and through our own expression. Because, in my opinion, in order to live a full life, a complete life, a rich life, a life that we actually want, life that we actually cherish, a life that we actually value. At some point we have to make the decision to accept ourselves fully. As long as there's fear there, as long as there's trepidation there, as long as there's resistance there, that's us not accepting ourselves. That's us denying a fundamental part of ourselves. It's us rejecting a fundamental part of ourselves and through this denial, through this rejection, we are blocking the expression of this part of ourselves and instead substituting our own fear, our own unwillingness.

I think, if we're honest, I think if we're aware, we can see this playing out. If we're not really comfortable with ourselves, we can see this playing out in the circumstances of our life. This has an echo to it, this has a resonance to it, that we can see in the events and circumstances of what happens to us, that if we're going through life blocked, our experience itself will be blocked. There'll be a low ceiling on it. That, especially over the long term, our experience of life tends to match how we really feel on the inside.

That if we feel bad about something, when we experience that thing in our daily life and our real life, it tends to feel bad and at the very least, I think it's important to ask ourselves what's the harm? What's the harm of accepting ourselves? What's the harm of accepting what we really want? What's the harm of accepting and appreciating who we really are fully and completely desires and all dreams and all? What's the harm, or, conversely, what's the benefit, if we haven't accept ourselves, of all of that criticism, all of those attempted corrections, all of that forced shoe-horning we've done to ourselves to try to fit in, to try to be different, try to like what we don't actually like or don't like what we do? What's been a benefit of that? What's been the net result of all of that conflict and what's the harm of trying something different? What's the harm of seeing what happens?

If we actually accept ourselves, if we actually value ourselves, if we actually appreciate ourselves, dreams and all desires and all, how would our life be different if we actually tried to live the life we want, if we actually went for what we want, if we just tried to lean in that direction through merely accepting it? Because, in my opinion, resistance is far more powerful than whatever effort or action that we make ourselves do. So, when it comes to the manifestation of the life we're living, resistance and its ability to block things from coming to us is far more powerful than our abilities to make anything happen through our own effort, through our own determination, through our own will, through our own force, that it's far more important to remove resistance to the life we want than it is to make strenuous, constant effort to make that life happen. That things can get so much better in our life if we just get out of our own way and just finally get to a point where we accept and appreciate ourselves In all of our uniqueness. Of course acknowledge we have flaws. Of course acknowledge we have things to work on. Of course acknowledge we make mistakes.

It isn't about assuming perfection on ourselves. This is about assuming appreciation, attributing value to the person we really are. And the deeper we go, the more deeply we know ourselves, the more we appreciate, the more we value, because that's getting more and more true, more and more real. Because if we want to create change in our life, if we want to change anything in our life, the first step, the first thing we need to do, is to decide to change, and this step does more than any other step. This is the most important part of the process of creation of any kind is deciding. And as long as we're blocking ourselves. As long as we're in the way of ourselves, we aren't really deciding or sitting on the fence, we're waiting. So why not decide? Why not decide to fully accept ourselves? Why not decide to fully accept what we want? Nothing actually has to change Because, obviously, just accepting what we want, acknowledging what we want fully, completely, without fear or resistance, doesn't magically make things happen.

How to make the argument that makes things much more likely to happen? But this isn't an instant manifestation. This isn't conjuring an orb. This is life and life has to be lived. But we live the best life when we live it openly, when we live it fully, when we live it wholeheartedly as our whole selves. One of the most important paths, most important parts of that fullness, is full acceptance and acknowledgement and appreciation of ourselves. We can make our lives a lot better by just getting out of our own way, by just dropping resistance to ourselves, to who and what we really are.

I finally got to the point of you know me, fighting myself hasn't really got me very far and hasn't really delivered the kind of life that I wanted to live. So maybe I'm gonna try something different. Maybe I'm gonna try to value myself instead. Maybe I'm gonna try to appreciate myself instead. Maybe I'm gonna look for all the reasons, in all the ways that the way that I am are actually things that I like and appreciate and value, instead of the opposite. Instead of looking for fault, I'm gonna look for virtue. At the very least, I'm gonna find a way to make peace. I'm gonna find a way to surrender it, lay down my weapons that I've had arrayed and pointed and used against myself. I'm gonna stop attacking myself. I'm gonna stop mistreating myself. I'm gonna stop assuming that the way that I am on a funnel mental level is wrong and bad. Instead of working so hard to work against myself, I'm gonna shift that effort to working with myself, working for myself, and I can start by accepting and acknowledging what I really want, finding a level of comfort with it.

And maybe this takes some practice. Maybe when I think about my grand vision for my life, it's like I can only hold off for a few seconds and I have to avert my gaze, look away, and that's useful to spend time with that. That's useful to try. Just try to imagine what your ideal life would be like, what you really want, and just start to explore it just in your own mind, in your own imagination. Imagination is free. It doesn't have to involve anyone else. You can use your imagination for whatever you wish and, unfortunately, a lot of us use our imaginations to picture and entertain the worst things happening to us.

That's what worry is, that's what doubt is. What if we tried to do something different? What if, instead, we tried to imagine the best for ourselves and just do it as an exercise, just to rebalance the scale? Just to hear from both sides? Perhaps we've lived a life hearing from the negative side of ourselves. What does the other side have to say? What happens when we listen to the part of our self that wants, that desires, that dreams, and what happens when we take this into consideration?

Again, we don't actually have to do anything. We don't have to change anything. We don't have to hop a bus and join the circus If we dream about living in Paris. We don't have to go buy a plane ticket for tomorrow afternoon. We don't have to do anything. All we have to do is open ourselves, open our hearts To what we actually want, because if we've been blocking this part of ourselves that wants, we've been living a blocked life, we've been living a corked life, we've been living a life that doesn't have the color, the vibrance, the richness, the sparkle, the deepness Meaning the passion, the enjoyment that we could be living, because we blocked this part of ourselves, because this is the part that feels these things, and we can't suppress parts of ourselves and not feel the absence of that part of ourselves in our life. That's just how it works.

So we can make the choice to not be afraid of ourselves. We can make the choice to not be afraid of what we want. We can entertain it, we can think about it In small steps, we can try these things on. We don't have to act rashly. We don't have to blow up our lives. That's not good either. In order for something good to be good, it must be experienced in a good way, not through violence and destruction. But we can open up this part of ourselves. We can entertain this part of ourselves. It's safe. This is us. We're not dangerous. Our dreams aren't dangerous. Our desires don't have to be scary and we can become aware of them. We can live consciously through them and make conscious choices. Make choices in full awareness, make choices that aren't harmful, that aren't going to cause damage Because of this worry, of our dreams and our desires hurting us.

This is fear talking, and we don't have to completely listen. We can take it in, we can consider it, but we don't have to consider it as fact. Because, yes, it could be true that if we entertain our dreams and our desires, and it is uncomfortable that perhaps those dreams and desires aren't actually right for us, but this is a part of ourselves that knows something. Maybe our conscious mind doesn't quite know yet. Maybe these dreams aren't really ours, maybe we've inherited it from someone else. Maybe we're dreaming of being some sort of celebrity or billionaire and that's not actually what we want. That's just kind of what we've been pre-programmed, we've been primed to want. But we don't get to what we really want until we start to actually entertain what we want. Denying and rejecting thinking about what we want sets up these sorts of kind of uninformed and immature behaviors or where we just latch on to what we think we want, to the most grandiose vision that we can come up with.

But I'd make the argument that if we actually entertain, if we actually explore, if we actually get curious about what we want, we'll find our way to what we really want. Because odds are, if we haven't spent much time doing this. We probably don't actually know. We just think we know, because oftentimes what we think we want is just the opposite of whatever we've been experiencing that we don't like. If we've struggled with money, we can think we want to be fabulously wealthy. If we struggled in relationships, we can think about our dream partner as a solution to everything. If we struggled making friends and being acknowledged in groups or by others, and we can think about how much we'd love to be famous, we'd love to be adored by everyone we come across.

But again, this is life. This is us living our life, learning and growing, figuring these sorts of things out, working our way and experiencing our way to the truth, because sometimes we can have an idea we really want to move away and we really want to live in Phoenix, arizona, and we can start to put this in motion. We can start to really consider this like, yeah, this is going to happen. I'm finally going to get to Phoenix. This is going to be amazing. Have I ever been to Phoenix? No, no, but I really want to live there. I think it's going to be amazing.

And then we take a trip there to check it out. And it's not amazing. There's all sorts of things we didn't know and didn't consider. And, oh yeah, 130 degrees, it's pretty hot and it's really easy to feel disappointed. It's really easy to feel hurt when the sorts of things happen to us, but if we can sit with it for a little while, this is a good thing.

This is helping us focus. This is helping us get to what we actually want, and often, if not nearly always, what we want is actually hidden behind something else, that our consciousness isn't in a place where we can actually know that. Yet we still have to experience a few things. We don't actually want to figure it out. That the learning, the being able to really know what we want, can actually be a process. It can actually be a segmented process. There's steps to it, that we have to learn and grow in certain ways in order to really know, in order to really appreciate it, and so we do ourselves a favor by allowing ourselves to do so, allowing ourselves to pursue what we want, even if we find out that's not actually what we wanted, because there's value in that. That's us learning, that's us growing, and that learning and growth is going to be what we're going to take forward or we're going to use. That's extremely valuable in finding our way, that just because we don't hit ultimate success on the first try doesn't mean that trying wasn't worthwhile. We can learn a lot more by not getting what we want. We can learn by just getting what we want.

Every time, both success and failure have value, and both success and failure can be equally temporary, because what matters is what we do with it, how we install it into our life, how we move on and move with whatever we've experienced. That's what matters Now what happened to us before to what we're doing now, what direction we're going now. Our lives are unfolding now and for our own comfort, for our own peace, for our own freedom, we do ourselves a lot of favors by befriending ourselves, befriending our whole selves, and that includes befriending the part of ourselves that wants, that desires, that has dreams, and then moving forward as our full selves, not standing in the way, not being the first person to tell ourselves no when we haven't even tried, we haven't even allowed ourselves to experience, to learn, to grow, to see what's here, to see what this is like and know for ourselves what we actually want. We keep ourselves confined. We keep ourselves separate from the lives that we really want, from the experiences that we really want to have, by not allowing ourselves to try Giving ourselves the permission to pursue what we actually want, sometimes not even giving ourselves the permission to actually want what we want and for the wholeness we seek.

This is what we're waiting for. We're waiting for ourselves. We're waiting for the permission, the acceptance, the honoring and the acknowledgement being heard from ourselves, because as long as we aren't and we don't no amount from the outside can make up for it. As long as we don't fully acknowledge and accept and appreciate ourselves, no amount of acknowledgement, acceptance and appreciation from anyone and everything else will ever make up for it. We'll always be at a deficit. We'll always be living with the experience of that void, of that lack, and we can choose to change this.

We can choose to fill this whenever we wish and we can choose to live a much more full life, a much more rich life, a much more enriching life, much more vibrant and passionate and rewarding life, a much more meaningful life, by engaging with and accepting and acknowledging and not being afraid of what we really want and every day leaning in that direction, just a little, exploring it, seeing what it's about, not being disappointed if we don't instantly get everything we want, knowing that this is part of the process.

This is how we figure this out.

This is life, this is the give and take of the co-creative experience of life, and moving forward, and moving forward fully, moving forward in fullness, moving forward, dropping resistance to ourselves, dropping resistance to the life we really want, finding wholeness, finding openness and living through this wholeness and openness every day, not being scared of ourselves, not being scared of what we want, not being scared of our own lives, not being scared of life, not being the first to tell ourselves no, not being the first to reject our own ideas, not being the first to tell ourselves we're wrong, just assuming that we're actually right.

We're actually the way we are for a reason, that we actually want what we want for a reason. And, yes, finding the fit and the manifestation of this might be complicated and it might be difficult and probably will not come in the form that we expect. But that's why we're here, that's why we live, that's why we get up in the morning, that's why we keep going To learn and grow and explore and experience further, and we do ourselves a favor. We set ourselves up for the most enriching, meaningful, joyful experience possible. When we drop our resistance, we drop our fear in live life whole-heartedly.

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