When Feelings Take the Wheel: Regaining Control from Extreme Emotions

The Union Path Podcast

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Episode Transcript:

00:20
One of the things that I think is most interesting about a spiritual path, about attempting to walk a spiritual path, is that it's an applied practice.

00:30
A lot of times, what we learn, what we observe, what we take in how we grow, is really interesting. We gain a lot of knowledge, we gain a lot of wisdom, but more than that, where the real value is is how all this knowledge, all this wisdom, this information ends up being applied. It's one of those things that, even though spiritual knowledge can be really interesting, it's not really that useful until it's actually used. It's meant to be used. That's its purpose. It's an applied pursuit. The value isn't in what we know. The value is in what we do with what we know. And as we walk this path, as we become more and more aware, our abilities to apply what we become aware of grow as well. That is, awareness grows, possibilities and opportunities to apply that awareness grows right alongside it. In fact, I think if we look at a lot of the awarenesses or epiphanies or breakthroughs that we have, often they come in perfect timing to actually be applied. But it's almost like we have this awareness. We came to this conclusion, we've learned this thing because now just happens to be the perfect time to actually use it. I think that's really interesting. Personally, I don't think that's any kind of coincidence. That's kind of one of the most interesting it can be a little bit frustrating about gaining spiritual knowledge, about spiritual growth, is it doesn't seem to come in until it's needed, until there's something to actually do with it.

02:10
In a lot of ways I feel the same about the creative process that one of my mantras for a long time is creativity needs a container, and what I mean by that is creativity really flows when there's a reason, when there's an intent, when there's something that I'm actually trying to create. I actually want is what calls, what causes those creative winds to blow. That's what sets everything in motion. That absence, that want, that hunker, that desire, that wish, that awareness of change would be good, change would be preferable. Change is required and creativity comes when called, and oftentimes the name it is called by is change, is a desire for change.

03:02
And as we become better and better at realizing that creativity needs a container and building and constructing these containers ourselves, we can apply the exact same thing to our spiritual practice as well. We can look for ways to implement, to put into practice, the spiritual observations and learnings and knowings that we acquire. And one of the most interesting ways we can do that or at least one of the most potentially powerful ways we can do that is by paying attention to our own emotions Is both exploring within, in kind of a static state of getting inside of ourselves and going as deeply as possible, but also maintaining that awareness, not just doing that as a short practice, but carrying that throughout the day, leaving part of our awareness centered within ourselves. Because it's one of the first things we can realize when we start to go within is how long and how much time we spend without on the outside, focused at everything around us, everyone else, everything else, focused on the future, focused on the past, focused on someone else's reaction to us, focused on what we're going to get through some sort of situation, instead of being grounded within ourselves. But as we practice these awareness exercises, as we do something like a meditation or any sort of mindfulness practice, or we just go out in the day paying attention because that's really all it is we construct a lot of really fancy sounding words for what really kind of just redounds to paying attention, just being aware, not being so aloof, not being so disassociated, not being so disembodied. Just be present, just be intentionally, on purpose. And as we start to build this awareness, as we can maintain this tether, this anchor within us, we can start to become aware of strong emotions.

05:00
Oftentimes, how this first presents itself is we're aware that we have strong emotions. This may be something we weren't previously aware of. This may be something we've gotten really good at drowning out, at ignoring. We may have a tremendous amount of ignorance around our own emotional state just because we've gotten so good at not paying attention to it. Or we've gotten really good at only placing our focus on the source of these emotions, on the circumstance, on the person, on whatever it is that's bringing these strong emotions up, that's the trigger for these strong emotions. We can get a little bit trigger blind of what. We're only looking at the things that stimulate us and not really looking at that stimulation, not inquiring after it, not being curious about it, not wondering about it, not trying to know what this is, why this is Not looking at. Is there a message in here for me? Is this strong reaction? Especially, is this trying to tell me something? Is there something I'm missing? Is the emotional state of my being trying to communicate something that I'm just not getting the message. I'm just not receiving the transmission because I'm getting swept away in the emotion. I'm letting my awareness and focus be carried away by this strong emotion.

06:20
These are all good questions to ask, because once we start to inquire after this, I think we can learn some really interesting things, especially really interesting things about that if we have a strong emotional response to something, there is some aspect of ourselves being triggered. There is some aspect of ourselves being reflected in that strong emotional response. To put it another way, if there wasn't part of ourselves that was getting reflected to us, we wouldn't really have a strong emotional response at all. We may not even notice that it was happening. I think we can see this if we look out into the world of something that makes one person absolutely positively crazy, you can have another person standing right next to them that doesn't even notice this is happening. He isn't even aware that the source of crazy making even exists.

07:18
I think that's really interesting to key into those individual differences and responses and reactions and then to inquire after them and say why, especially with ourselves, why do I react so strongly? Why do I feel so strongly. Why do I get taken over by an emotion when it seems that other people not only don't get taken over but aren't even aware this is even happening? I think that's fascinating. I think those differences can be really interesting and, yes, sometimes it can be chalked up to a lot of people just aren't really paying attention. In a lot of ways we aren't paying attention either, but in other ways, especially when we key into these strong emotional responses, there's something in there for us that when we become aware of this strong emotional response, that just so happens to be the perfect time to do something about it. This is an opportunity for growth. This is an opportunity to learn something. This is an opportunity to expand, to grow our consciousness, to become more than we were before. Because we pay attention to these reactions and responses.

08:21
That by going within, especially when we go deeply within ourselves, we can establish contact with kind of a base energy that's quiet and calm and secure, that feels permanent, that feels static, that doesn't really feel like it varies or moves around very much. And as we spend more time with that aspect of ourselves, we can become more aware of experiences that we have that are off that baseline, that are radically different, that the more time we spend with that energy, that calmness, that serenity, that equanimity, the more we can realize the things that aren't that, and one of the best things about establishing contact with this aspect of ourselves is that it's pleasurable, it's enjoyable, it feels good, it's soothing, it's calming. We're influenced by it and we like that influence, we like how that feels, that sure, we like excitement, we like novelty, but not all the time. Excitement and novelty all the time, I think, is how you would describe chaos and there's very few people who enjoy chaos all the time. But by becoming aware of this center within ourselves, that can then help us become aware of strong emotions, of things that deviate significantly or differ significantly from that state of being, now we can really become aware of something else. Now we can really learn something Like, for example, let's say, there's a certain type of person that drives you absolutely crazy.

10:00
I bet you can picture that person in your mind right now. It's an archetype. And I bet this person that you're picturing isn't the only person that's ever made you feel that way. It's just this person is making you do it the most currently, the most strongly, right now, in your quiet moments. Ask yourself why. What is it about this person that makes me crazy? What qualities do they possess? What is their being, what is their doing that makes me feel this way? Really try to pinpoint it. Go inside, isolate those feelings. Give them a name. Is this anger, Is this frustration, is this fury, is this rage, is this disgust? What is it Then? Explore even deeper after that. Why, in what way are these feelings a reflection, are symbolic of something I hold within, of an aspect of myself? I'll give you a personal example.

11:04
For a long time, one quality in people that absolutely made me crazy was helplessness. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand to be around helpless people. I'd always prided myself on being hyper-independent, a self-starter, a hard worker, full of drive. I worked hard, I moved fast. I couldn't stand to be around people who were helpless, who needed me to hold them, who needed me to carry them, who needed me to do everything for them. It made me feel like a servant. It made me feel enslaved because I couldn't say no, I couldn't have boundaries, that this helpless person was causing me to lose a sense of independence, to lose a sense of freedom, to lose an ability to create boundaries, to say no. There was a collapsing down of my own freedom, that had become subservient, that had subjugated myself to this helpless person. I think you can hear in the language of how I talk about this. I was doing this to myself. This other person wasn't doing any of these things, they were just being how they were. They were just doing things the way they do things.

12:13
All of these responses were within me, in fact, most of the time. Since I'm a pretty friendly person, the other person would have no idea. I'd still be pretty friendly, I'd still be pretty generous, but on the inside I was seething with rage because I couldn't stand helplessness. I couldn't stand the feeling of losing my freedom and getting sucked in to their helplessness, if I'm honest to their weakness, to their incompetence. It felt like a contagion. It felt like a pathogen. It felt like I was going to be slimed or infected by being near it, because I built so much of my identity around being the opposite, around being the doer, around being the one who gets things done that doesn't require any help from anyone else. I was self-made, I was self-created In.

13:08
This person was creating a dependence that felt like it was robbing me of my independence. But taking that one step further. Why was my independence so important, so critical? What was I running away from? Why was I so scared of people? Why was I so scared of saying no, of setting boundaries? In what way did the powerlessness of this other person light up and ignite and put a spotlight on my own powerlessness? And that's precisely what I mean. This person was driving me crazy because this person was illuminating and exposing the same quality within me. This wasn't about this other person at all. This was about me. This wasn't about the other person's powerlessness. This was about my own feelings of powerlessness, of not being able to set boundaries and not being able to say no, of not being able to choose whom I help and whom I don't. That's one small example, but I think this plays itself out the same way, regardless of what it is.

14:14
We can apply this to circumstance too. Like, let's say, something happens and it makes us crazy with anger or makes us depressed. Why? What is this exposing within us? What is this lighting up and illuminating within us? What is this bringing to the surface within us, where we have an opportunity to do something about it? We have an opportunity to reconcile, we have an opportunity to reclaim, we have an opportunity to heal. We have an opportunity to grow by settling this conflict within.

14:45
Maybe it's some fear, maybe it's some doubt, maybe it's some insecurity, maybe it's just something within ourselves that doesn't actually jibe with the rest of our being, that, if we really think about it, we hold beliefs within that we don't actually believe. There are aspects of ourselves that aren't really in alignment with the rest of our being, and that's also one of the interesting things about walking down a spiritual path is that we align ourselves more and more with who and what we really are. The remaining pieces of us that aren't so well aligned tend to make themselves known, tend to show up, because now we can sense that conflict, that incongruence becomes palpable, because more and more of ourselves are united, our whole, and we do ourselves a favor by integrating and aligning as much of ourselves as possible. This is spiritual growth. This is unity, by seeking unity within, by creating and establishing unity within, because if we're trying to unite everything on the outside of ourselves, we're not going to be very successful until we're united on the inside of ourselves.

15:59
At the very least, there's value in listening to and paying attention to strong responses, of not just letting them fly by not just letting that be something that happened. Or I just flew off the handle, or I just went into a depressive state, or I just overcome with rage and fury, or I just didn't talk with someone close to me for several days. Why Is that what we want? Do we want depression? Do we want rage and fury? And if not, it's interesting to explore after these feelings, explore after why some circumstance, some person, some situation, some setting made us so different than we are the rest of the time, made us be, made us respond, made us react in a way that's not really us. Well, why? It's useful to know, it's useful to figure it out.

16:54
It can be a critical bit of self-awareness that oftentimes, these strong emotions are exposing something that, for whatever reason, we've been keeping hidden from ourselves, we've locked away, we've sequestered, we've exiled that when we walk the path of unity, aspects of ourselves that aren't united will come up, will make themselves known, will form a line, will form a queue in order to be processed and dealt with and brought into union as well, and we can find these strong emotional reactions or responses for all sorts of different situations. We can be amazed at how minor of a situation can elicit an incredibly powerful response. In my opinion, those are the ones that are more important to look into, to do something about, because they are so wildly variant to the actual intensity or severity of what's happening that of course it's normal to have strong reactions when strong reactive situations happen, when calamity strikes, when a crisis hits. Of course we can have strong reactions and responses in those situations. But the small situations, especially if they're chronic, especially if we find ourselves feeling something most every day of not every day that if we stop and reflect and look at it just seems way off way stronger, way more powerful, way more intense than the situation that triggers it. It's important to ask ourselves why, to look into that, to do something about that, to not just abide a high level of emotional reactivity to seize our calm, to claim our calm, and not let ourselves be pushed off our center so violently by situations that seem so minor. Because if situations are minor, then there's a 100% possibility that we can do something about that, if our response is far stronger than the situation that triggered it. Those are precisely the things we can do something about, because that response isn't inherent to the situation, that intense energy that we feel is self-created. And because it's self-created, we can do something about it. We can do something with that. We can channel that somewhere else, we can redirect it. We don't have to be reactive, we don't have to fly off the handle, we don't have to be pushed into despair and darkness. We can choose and if we spend enough time with these reactions, we will learn something. We will figure them out.

19:35
Ourself, our inner selves, is entirely knowable to ourselves. There's nothing within that we can't explore, that we can't acknowledge, that we can't know. There's nothing within ourselves that's forbidden. We may be difficult, we may have locked aspects of ourselves behind a hundred vault doors. We may need a little bit of help to explore within fully.

20:04
But ourselves, our true selves, our entire selves, is knowable, should be knowable, should be known, and the more of ourselves that we know, the more aware we become. The more self-aware we are, the more aware we become. It's useful. This is the only information, this is the only knowledge that we actually have direct access to. Everything else, everything in someone else, everything in circumstance, in situation, embedded or reflected in people, places, things. Anything that is outside of ourselves isn't actually fully and completely knowable.

20:45
The only thing we can ever fully know for sure is ourselves, but paradoxically, there's always more about ourselves to know it's what keeps us going. There's always more to learn. There's always more growth possible. That's the beauty of life. Life is growth and we never have to stop growing. That's an amazing opportunity and we can choose growth. We can seize that opportunity. We can make ourselves a more full, a more complete, frankly, a better person by acknowledging and resolving strong emotional reactions to minor situations. It normally makes us a lot more fun to be around, but, more importantly, it makes our life more enjoyable and imbues our life with much more peace, much more calm, much more stability, much more security. And these are things. These are aspects that we all want to feel and we can choose to claim. We can choose to live. We can choose to be more peaceful, more calm, more secure. We can choose to enjoy our life more by choosing to do something about strong emotional responses to minor situations.