Paying Attention

The Union Path Podcast - Paying Attention
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It's hard to pay attention. It's hard to see what there is to be seen. It's hard to feel what's there to be felt, especially in times of discomfort.

When we're uncomfortable, when part of us is really needing change, those can be the hardest times to actually pay attention.

Those can be the hardest times to actually feel what we need to feel.

When we're uncomfortable, that might actually mean feeling more discomfort. When we're unhappy, it might actually mean feeling more unhappiness.

It's a hard thing and it makes a lot of sense to try to ignore these feelings, to try to sweep them aside or push them down as un unhelpful reminders of something we already know,

especially when we've been put upon by circumstances for a long time. These feelings can feel not only unhelpful, but really redundant.

We know. We know we're unhappy. We know we're uncomfortable. We know we want something, something different, some sort of change, something to happen,

but yet, so often we find ourselves in these cul-de-sacs, repeating the same day, the same circumstances, the same feelings over and over.

And so it makes a lot of sense in that circumstance to just kind of say, You know what? Feeling more of this isn't really doing me any favors, isn't really helping,

nothing's really changing, I just feel like garbage, and that doesn't really seem to be in service of anything. But the deeper truth, the more profound yet elusive truth,

is that these feelings really matter. These feelings are really trying to get us to see something, trying to get us to do something, trying to get us to acknowledge reality.

Trying to get us to really stand in the present moment, look around, and really take in what's happening and really take in what we feel about it.

But again, when we're uncomfortable, when we're just beaten down, that can feel like the hardest thing in the world. We just want some relief.

And our modern society, for all of its weirdness, is remarkably good at providing just that, at least in the short term.

Relief. It can come through our phones. It can come through various substances.

It can come through all sorts of distractionary behaviors and coping strategies. And none of these behaviors or coping strategies on their face are wrong or bad.

We're just trying to feel better, and that kind of feels like the whole point of life, to find ways to feel good as possible.

We're not here to just feel rotten all the time. That doesn't seem very fair, but at the same time, circumstances can align in a way where we not only feel stuck,

but we feel like we're on the downward trend. We feel like our effort is misplaced at best, or it may even be making things worse.

I think everybody knows that if you go into a situation hating it, you're not gonna have a very good time.

And if there's nothing you can do to change this situation, at least in the present moment, well, that just feels like a unnecessary suffering.

So what do we do? We acquiesce, we accept, to the best of our abilities what's happening. It is what it is, and we keep putting one foot in front of the another,

doing what we think we need to do, making the best choices we can, and from that place hope things get better.

But the problem is we do that for long enough and that hope can get dimmer and dimmer. No matter how much we try to ignore and deny reality,

part of us knows what these trends are, what's actually happening. We can't delude ourselves completely, but there's the rub in the whole thing.

Those times of discomfort, those times of inner conflict, those times of turmoil is exactly the time to pay more attention.

But how do we do that? How do we do that with a beaten down and beleaguered spirit? How do we do that when we feel like we just can't take this anymore, but what choice do we have?

Especially as adults, life has a lot of very powerful ways to lock us into circumstances. We'd create a lot of destruction if we just bounce from thing to thing to thing the second it gets uncomfortable.

So we know that's not a good long term strategy, but neither is staying in things way past the point that they've proven to not only be unhelpful, but detrimental.

So what do we do? How do we actually pay attention in these times that hurt, that make us nauseated, that seem to just suck all the air out of the room?

Do we just feel all of our feelings and end up in a puddle on the floor?

I think there's a middle way here. I think there's a way that we can gently hold and observe our experiences in ways that are helpful, by holding two ideas at the same time.

That yeah, a lot of things that happen to us are not immediately fixable. Sometimes things take time.

Sometimes things take timing. Sometimes where we are is the result of years of not decades of choices, and we can't just unwind and undo all of those choices all at once.

We have to start making new choices one at a time. But in the beginning, especially, those new choices are so outnumbered,

are so easily run over by the momentum of our life, that it can feel hopeless.

But the reality is, that in those times, no matter how hard it is to pay attention, the harder thing is to actually keep ignoring.

Because when we do pay attention, when we do actually observe what's happening, when we do look at the people, places, things in our lives and really take in how these things affect us,

how we feel about them, what we honestly think about them, that's where the clarity and the direction that we're pursuing will come from.

But it's hard, it's so hard, especially in the beginning, to take that hit, to really face facts and take the incredible blow back that can happen for all the thoughts and feelings that we've been ignoring, to seemingly come rushing in at the same time.

That's really hard. We ignore this stuff for a reason. We deny this stuff for a reason. We rationalize and do all the various tricks that we do for a reason,

because these feelings especially can be really terrible.

But no matter how painful they are, feelings are not dangerous. In fact, feelings are about the most helpful tool we have, to find our way through life, to find what we're actually looking for,

to rectify and reorient towards a life that actually feels more like ours, more like it fits.

Because the thing is, denying and suppressing and repressing has to be constant, at least on some level.

Even though the initial energy may be less, over time the cumulative effects are profound and myriad.

But if we can find the courage, if we can find the wherewithal to just stand up straight, look around, breathe deeply, really feel, really take in our lives, the clarity and the change will come.

In fact, at least it's been my experience these times of confusion and discomfort and hopelessness can actually be some of the best things that ever happened to me,

because that was the catalyst for change. That was what had to happen for me to get uncomfortable enough to finally do something.

But it's a tricky thing, if we're already beaten down. If we're already been steamrolled by life, there's not a lot of energy to stand back up again and take another run at things.

So it's a balanced idea. We have to balance our desire for change with the authentic grace and acceptance of ourselves.

We have to find a way to nurture and support ourselves, and at the same time, really eventually act on these thoughts and feelings.

I really beleive that life gives us all the information we'll ever need. We don't need someone else to tell us what's right for us or wrong for us, when we experience it, we know it.

Doesn't mean we can't get ideas from other people. It doesn't mean we can't look around and survey the landscape of various options and mentally try things on and see what seems to fit and what doesn't.

The recognition and the awareness of what's right for us is ultimately internal.

And the more we can feel, the more awareness we can bring to our own experience, the more clear and accurate that direction will be.

But again, it's not easy, very few worthwhile things are, but there it is.

When we feel stuck, when we want change in our life, if we can just find ways to pay attention, if we can find ways to really acknowledge the truth of what's actually happening,

and give ourselves the time to integrate this information and learn from it. If we can give ourselves the grace to be able to grow, to make progress,

to not have to have every single answer immediately, to not know the solution as soon as we identify every problem.

A lot of times there's that liminal space, where we just need to live in the problem for a minute. We need to really try to understand, on a deep level, our own lives.

There's this idea that I really like, I think it's a Buddhist one, that if the answer isn't obvious, we really don't understand the question.

That idea is played out in so many ways for me, and often in really powerful ways.

I have a hard time not using that as kind of my go-to strategy in times of confusion, in times of feeling stuck, that if the solution isn't obvious, I don't really understand the problem.

And then once I start to really look at a problem, I realize there are so many ways that I'm not really looking at this problem.

Human beings are such incredible habit forming, pattern matching machines that we're so good at witnessing a pattern and taking a certain behavior,

and when we want to change these patterns, when we want change in our life, it can take a minute, because we're not really seeing life.

We're looking through the keyhole into the room of life.

Our perspectives can get really narrow, especially in times we've really had to make ourselves small just to endure what we're going through, but also in times when things are going great.

If everything's working, we don't really look at ourselves too hard. We don't really look at our circumstances too hard. We just kind keep going, let it roll.

But in these times when things aren't going so great, this is precisely the time to make some changes.

This is precisely the time to make some changes in the direction of what would be better, what would feel better, and how do we know?

Well, ultimately we'll know it by experiencing it. The proof will be in the pudding. But how do we know what to try?

Well, that's where really focusing on the problem, really focusing on what's actually happening, will show us a whole bunch of things, a whole bunch of changes that we need to make,

and these changes may start with ourselves. What beliefs do we need to change?

Do we really need to do the things we've been doing? Do we really need to maintain the relationships we've been maintaining?

Do we really have to do all the things we've been doing, or have we just been perpetuating a whole bunch of shoulds that we'd like to modify to rather nots?

It's hard. It's hard to break patterns.

It's hard for people to change because it's hard to be different, but we are different by doing different things.

But again, we're so good at habits. We're so good at having the same response to the same set of circumstances over and over and over again,

that it can be really difficult to even identify these habits in the first place.

But then once we do even harder to actually change them to override what feel like innate and ingrained patterns. But we can.

That's what the discomfort is for. We're not meant to get stuck in discomfort town for the rest of our lives. We're meant to leave.

And in whatever way possible this queasy, uncomfortable, negative charge that we feel.

Is precisely the energy we can use to do something different.

It may sound funny, but when we can really channel and act from our discomfort, not only can it lead us to where we really want to go,

but we actually over time can be grateful for it. Thank goodness I had such a rotten time doing that, because if I hadn't, I would've never started to do this.

And that's really the point. Life isn't meant to just be a perpetual punishment machine.

We're supposed to learn and grow. We're supposed to change. Because that is life. Life is growth and change. If we stopped growing and changing, we'd be dead.

That's hard, especially when we'd been beaten about for a while.

Because at the very least, punishment we're currently taking, at least it's familiar. At least it's predictable.

But if I start doing a whole bunch of new stuff, I open myself up to things I haven't even imagined yet, and I'm not sure how much I can take.

But you can take it. These are feelings. They can't really hurt you.

They're here to help you, as hard as they are, as painful as they are.

This is the sun in the sky, beckoning the little flower to grow.

This is the totem, this is the symbol, that necessary change needs to happen in your life. This is the conclusive evidence that growth is required to continue on, to continue forward.

Like a lot of truths, that's not an easy one to take the first time you encounter it, but there it is. There is no growth without strain. That's the way all of this works.

And oftentimes when we're looking for something to save us, the person we're actually looking for is ourselves.

The information and the clarity that we're looking for is already happening.

We don't need anything spectacular from the outside. What we need to do is pay attention.

What we need to do is support and nurture ourselves. What we need to do is get really clear on what things are like for us, and then move forward with that information.

And it usually takes time. It usually takes struggle. He usually takes setbacks.

But the point isn't getting there as fast as possible. I know that's what we would like, especially if the discomfort is just out of control,

but what matters is that we get where we need to go eventually, and sometimes the most direct path can feel really circuitous underway.

But that's all we have to do, is keep going. That's all we have to do, is pay attention.

That's all we have to do is be honest with ourselves, with our life, with what actually matters to us, with what we actually want.

Reintegrate ourselves around truth, around reality. Bring our internal and our external into balance, not have them fighting a perpetual war with one another.

Our lives on the inside and our lives on the outside are one whole. They're not actually separate.

Our lives are one thing, and we make our lives as good as possible by actually aligning with ourselves, of actually resolving conflicts ourselves,

of making the next best step forward we possibly can, and then doing that over and over and over again.

Our lives are composed of the decisions that we make over very long periods of time, and if we want our lives to change, we have to start making new choices.

Our lives are different because we are different, and we're different because we do different things. We think different thoughts, we understand things differently.

And it all starts with paying attention.

It all starts with paying attention to not only what's happening to us and how we feel about it, but all the ways we try to hide this from ourselves.

Finding the courage to really face ourselves, face our life, from a place of wholeness, from a place of integrity, and then move forward from that place.

We have all the information that we need. No more studying, no more gathering is required. And if solutions aren't obvious, maybe we need to dwell on the problem some more.

Maybe we need to expand our thinking. Maybe we need to expand our options. Maybe we need to expand our definition and sense of ourselves, of our roles.

Of the ways we live our life, every single day.

Growth is required to create change, and oftentimes that growth is self-generated.

And so when we're stuck, when we're confused, when we're deeply uncomfortable, even though it may seem like life is doing everything it possibly can to make us shrink,

make us get smaller, make us do less, make us be less, the opposite is actually called for. This is life beckoning us to be more.

This is life beckoning us to actually be who we really are, and start expressing ourselves from that place.

We may feel like our job is to reconcile the conflicts with the external world internally.

In a lot of ways, these times of discomfort is life trying to get us to reconcile who we're actually being.

It's life trying to get us to actually be ourselves. It's life trying to fix an imbalance, a forgery of us not being our full selves.

This is all easy to say, it's clearly much harder to actually do, but that's our work. We are here to be the fullest, truest version of ourselves we possibly can.

We are here to integrate with the rest of life in all of its fullness, with our own fullness.

We add to the mix of life and make it progress by being an expressing our full selves.

And ultimately that's all we want too. We don't want to walk around with all this conflict.

We don't want to walk around feeling like we need to be less than who and what we really are to get along.

We don't want to walk through life feeling like we have to cram ourselves into some shape that we aren't to force some expression that's not really us,

to create and maintain outcomes we may not even care that much about.

Life is leading us back to the truth, and we find our way back to the truth by first being honest with ourselves, honest with our experience,

honest with what we actually think and feel, and then living every day from that place.